Dating A Woman Is A Lot Of Cents

Life around a new woman in your life is just more costly. The fact is inevitable, even though it is seldom discussed in polite company. Guys all get the fact that you will be picking up the tab when you take her out to dinner or the movies, but as the relationship gets more serious and you spend more time together, other costs rear their ugly heads. Here are a few that you might not have considered:

1. More Bathroom Tissue

The old joke that says “Women be shoppin’” should be changed to “Women be wipin’.”  As soon as you start having a woman over to your place regularly, expect at least a threefold two-ply increase in toilet paper. They use it for everything, and they don’t go easy on it either. Believe me.

2. Water Filters

Ladies Magazines and every diet book ever written says that drinking lots of water is the secret to losing weight and staying healthy, and women literally drink that up! That means you’re going to go through your water filters at a quicker pace than you can believe. And they’re not cheap!

3. Skin Cream

Get yourself a large bottle of skin moisturizer. If you really want to get in her good books, take stock of what she uses most often at her place and stock it in your bathroom. It benefits both of you, since we all like our ladies to have soft skin. Plus, you can use it for massages in a pinch.

4. Oreo Cookies

There is a strong chance that it is just the lady that I am with, but I have to purchase this particular delicacy weekly now!

5. Ice Wines

Most guys would just as soon drink beer as wine. When a woman comes into your life, suddenly wine also comes into your life, especially sweet desert wines. Unfortunately, a good ice wine will set you back somewhere between $50.00 and $100.00 a bottle. Ouch! But once you develop a pallet for these sweet wines, you will not mind the cost so much.

6. Maxi Pads

Accept the fact that you will be buying these things on a regular basis. Get used to the initial embarrassment. Pretty soon it will feel as natural as picking up underarm deodorant. Besides, she will appreciate the consideration.

7. Scented Candles

You will learn pretty quickly that a house full of burning scented candles means that she is in a romantic room. A bathroom full of scented candles and an invitation for a double bath means the same thing. However a woman bathing alone with scented candles is not a signal for anything. They just like to do it. In any event, women love these things, they are not expensive, and they are great little subtle tools for women to tell you that they are in the news.

8. Probiotics Yoghurt With Berries 

Here is something that you will just have to become accustomed to when a women is around. It is called Probiotics Yoghurt. Probiotics is a friendly bacteria that is important to your overall health. Women eat it for other reasons. The main one is that hit helps tremendously if they are prone to yeast infections and/or bladder infections. Either way, most women eat it, and of course you will be expected to as well. So here is my secret on this little item. Find "Activia Probiotics 'Desert' Yoghurt" – it comes in several flavors. And do not mix it up with the regular "Activia Probiotics Yoghurt". That little item 'desert' in the label makes all the difference to me. The desert stuff does not in any way taste like yoghurt. In fact it almost tastes like pudding to me. In any event, buy this stuff. You will like it, and your girlfriend will reap the rewards as well. And if her female parts remain in good shape because of it, then you will get a lot warmer reaction to any advances that you make, and much more frequently.

9. Sex Toys

If the planets align for you and you are involved with a woman who is into sex toys, then make sure that your sex toy store visits are fruitful. Invest in only the best quality! These are super expensive, and they are not refundable, so make sure that they are what you want, and that they will last. Silicone is usually the best quality and the most realistic.

10. Extra Toothbrush and Slippers

If you get her a toothbrush for your place, you’ll get a big kiss. If you buy her slippers, she’ll melt. Slippers are great if you have a cold floor, plus they keep her cozy. And a cozy woman is an affectionate woman.

11. Internet Usage

Women spend time on the internet looking at a lot of stuff. Where men will be into porn movies and such, women are more likely to be looking at movie videos on youtube or spending time chatting on facebook. Games are also a favorite. That is all okay. She will be unlikely to blow the doors off of a standard high speed internet plan, but if you are on a cheap plan, be prepared to upgrade.

12. Plants, Candles, and Dust Collectors

It seems that God created women with a frilly thing and trinket obsession. They have to fill up any space that they occupy with frilly stuff on the walls, and dust collecting trinkets on every open bit of table-top. Women are God's gift to merchants, and they spend most of their time living up to that image.

13. Special Occasions

Log anytime that you had a date or did something special into your computer's calendar function and put in annual reminders. The first time that you met will need to have a monthly reminder for the first year. I also add notes as to what she was wearing, what you did together, and anything else that was special about the night. Put several warnings on each event to give yourself plenty of time to make reservations, order flowers, or buy something appropriate.


In summary, relationships with women is just like Halloween. Be prepared to Shell Out!!


If you do not have someone special in your life and are looking, you might want to check out this online dating link for sites you can join.

Online Dating

A Porn Star's Guide to Making Love

Lots of women secretly desire the ability to totally turn on their man so that he will never look at another woman. The issue is that most women are not raised in any way that would allow them to know or to learn what it takes to keep a man truly interested in them forever. What is it that a man is looking for that they find when they watch porn movies? The women are not overly attractive, the acting is horrible, there are no real story lines. So the attraction is certainly not intellectual. The attraction is purely physical, but there is more to it than just simple sex. If a man was just wanting an orgasm, he can do it to himself in minutes.

The attraction is the thought of having a woman willing to do anything that he wants to do sexually. And that pretty much means anything that he might ever want to do. A woman who asks what he wants and gives it to him, and tells him what she wants so he can reciprocate. Shy does not work here!! Men are such obvious creatures, and they do not do well with hints or shy smiles. When it comes to sex, they want a woman to tell them what they want, and they want someone who is totally into mutual pleasure.

Read more about it here: Make Love Like A Porn Star



If you are are interested in behaving like a porn star, then find a list of great places to find men here: Adult Dating Sites

Is Love Avoiding Me

 As I took a slow walk along the valley behind my house one sunny fourth of July last year, I was looking in awe at the dead trees, and the poison ivy that some people believe to be  flowers, and smelling the water in the creek (that I know comes from the sewers), when a bird pooed on my head. I thought “oh well” just another ordinary day. As I ran along, I bumped into a buddy of mine that I will call Stinky and please don't ask why I call him that, I think it is obvious. As we walked, I told him about the bird, and he replied “take me to the tree that you were standing under, its good luck”. If I had thought for one minute that it was good luck I would have found some dog dirt and rolled around in it, (as you may have figured Stinky really doesn’t have much of a social life, but then again, were two of a kind).

 Our biggest problem is communicating with women. Stinky can usually mouth a few comments, then he has to leave the scene. I’m a little more relaxed since I work with a lot of women anyway. I can usually have  somewhat of a conversation with them before I start to sweat and have any confidence suddenly elude me, then I have to politely excuse myself.

 Stinky feels that women's standards are too high when it comes to dating, however, I disagree. I really don't believe for a minute the women suggesting that he  have a shower before picking her up is considered “high slandered”. Stinky  might be the least washed fellow I know, but he is  one of the nicest (nicest not brightest). However, he does sometimes on occasion come up with pretty amazing idea's that make  more sense then not, but I'm not sure about this one. “We will join a Dating Site” he cried out. I said before sometimes he comes up with smart idea's but this wasn't one of those times. He proceeded to inform me that a friend at work gave him the idea(nice friend). “Is this the same friend that leaves deodorant and body wash on your desk?” I asked. “It sure is! He's a very thoughtful person,” (is he for real). Stinky said “My friend met a wonderful women on a dating site,” (what women?? the guy he's talking about is gay!) “Why would your homosexual friend use a dating site to meet women?” I asked, “I think your getting in over your head”. In the end, and after weeks of hiding from  Stinky and his crazy idea, I finally decided to give in just to humor him.

  As I tried to sleep that night, all I could think about was the last date I had, which ended in complete disaster for me. I’m sure the woman I'll call “hungry”, hadn’t eaten in a  few days  prior to our date and she must have thought I had a big trust fund or something! After she had consumed several finger sandwiches as well as several other side dishes, expensive wine and the entree of lamb chops, I checked the balance in my bank account, then to my horror she demanded we order desert! “Desert!?” I quickly reminded her that this was not an all you can eat buffet, she then  jumped up called me things I've never heard before and made her way to the door. Like the desperate person I am, I ran after her and asked if she would like to see me again, at which time she beat me with her hand bag (I guess that meant no!). So I went back to the table and sat by myself looking at the bill she had run up and wondered if I would be able to get lots of overtime at work next week to pay for it.

  I started to have a lot of doubts about joining a dating site, but since my best friend was very excited about it (and knowing he would do anything for me), I decided to go through with it. It turned out to be the best move that we had ever made. Stinky and I both joined a Dating Site, and it wasn’t long before we had  responses from some beautiful ladies. We were both very worried and excited to think that we might no longer have to prop up blowup dolls on our couches so the neighbors would see the silhouette and think we actually had lives. Stinky asked me “what should I do to get ready?”I said “just get in the shower and don't forget to turn the water on, use that bar of soap (you only had it for whole year) and scrub your troubles  down the drain”, (as well as the dirt and body odor of course). We double dated that evening to support each other, and we had a wonderful time. It was a standard dinner and dancing date, but it just went so well. Stinky took me aside and declared that this was the woman of his dreams. I gave him a bear hug, and said “follow your heart,” and he did. She seemed to take to him as well, surprisingly!

 Well I don't call him Stinky anymore, (no one does now that he has learned  basic  hygiene). He is and always will be, my best friend. Henry is still with his special woman that he met on that dating site. This was several years ago and after dating for two years, they tied the knot. They had two children and are expecting another any time now. As for me, it took a little longer, but I finally found my life partner, and we are expecting our first child soon. Life is great and it keeps getting better!

 Its true what they say, there's somebody for everyone. All you have to do is look in the right place and you'll find them. In many cases, it takes a nudge from someone who cares about you to get you going in the right direction . Life is too short and precious to spend it alone, wondering what your life would be like if you had done something to find that special person. So if you want to be happy then take my advice, and get off your ass and go for it.

  Hey, if Stinky and I can do it, so can you! There are so many dating sites out there that you might think you'll never find the right one, but I'll give you a tip, this is the site that me and Stinky used to find the best sites for us and in our opinion its the best place to find dating sites. So if you are tired of being lonely and want someone to be your life companion well just follow this link, it will be the best move you ever make.

Online Personals Sites

Tied Up On A Date

A few months ago, I was having trouble getting women to go out with me. It is not as if I look like the hunchback of Notre Dame or live on the street or anything. But a rather sad set of events culminated in the perfect storm of social setbacks one night for me, so I was no longer seen as a guy to hang out with. At least, not by women!

I have had a few embarrassing events happen in my life but nothing as embarrassing as this sad story that I am about to tell you.

It all started when some friends gave me an invite to go to a formal dance with them. Because of the formal nature of the dance, I was expected to wear dress pants and jacket, as opposed to the more casual attire I usually went clubbing in. The pants were not an issue as I had a couple of suitable pairs. The jacket was something else again and I had to buy one. I did not have a lot of money, but I was optimistic I would find something. I am no fashion guru, so I threw myself on the mercy of the first sales clerk I ran into.. I told him I was going out dancing at a nice place an needed a jacket to go with my black pants. He indicated that they had some really great, inexpensive jackets that they had imported from Mexico recently. They felt a little rough, but I kinda liked the yellow color that I thought would look snazzy on me. The big plus was that they were really inexpensive, so I bought one.

Later that day, I prepared for my big date. Showered, shaved, combed my hair a new way, and tried some new aftershave that I had bought that day that was supposed to drive women crazy. I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Here was someone who was an up and comer with I thought. Unfortunately, I did not notice a pesky loose thread on the back of my jacket near the shoulder seam.

I met my buddies at the dance. It was packed with lots of people that I knew and many more that I did not. After a half hour or so my date arrived. Did I mention that my buddies set me up with her? She was in a big hurry to get on the dance floor, and after a very short introduction, she was dragging me out to dance. Things were really looking up. All of a sudden she informs me that there is a lose thread on the shoulder of my jacket. I told her to forget about it but it seems she just couldn't keep her fingers off the stupid thing. She decided to do me a favor and pull it off. Unfortunately when she pulled it all hell broke loose.

She started to pull the thread, but instead of breaking, it just kept coming out. It got long enough to reach the floor The band was wailing away on a punk version of  “All Shook Up” originally recorded by Elvis Presley. In any event, it really had people moving on the floor. As the thread fell on the floor, it began to get tangled around several ankles. The faster they danced the more entangled they became. Eventually someone tripped, who knocked down someone else, who fell on a table and upset everything. By the time the smoke cleared, three couples were on the floor along with six upset tables. What a disaster! My so called buddies all fled the scene and left me to face the music alone.

The owner of the club started to scream at me. He was truly pissed! I looked around me to see if I could find something to crawl under, but of course I could not as the tables near me were all tipped over! The owner handed me a large ball of yellow burlap. He hollered out, “Take your sack and get out!” So I did just that. On the bright side, I still had one sleeve left of my new jacket. The rest was a wad of burlap string wadded in my hands. Needless to say, I threw all of it into the nearest trash can as I trudged home.

So that is my tale of woe! No sane woman who knew me, or knew of me, would date me. My reputation and $500.00 could not even buy me a hooker!!

It was my sister who eventually came to my rescue. She said that I had to cast my net farther afield if I ever hoped to get a date. She thought that the least expensive way to do that was to join an online dating site. After careful consideration I decided to give the dating site idea a go. Hell I had nothing to lose but my self respect (oh wait, I had already lost that) and everything to gain. I picked one at random, but had no luck. So I googled dating, and was overwhelmed at the number of sites. Which one would be the best for me. I tried the top site POF.com – stands for plenty of fish, but I did not have much luck on it.  My sister came to my rescue again and suggested the link that I will share below. It has a big list of quality dating sites to choose from. I signed up to a couple of sites, and finally met someone who can take me for who I am, and not the idiot who bought a cheap jacket once.

So if you looking for a great dating site or chatline look no further than this link. It will lead you to dozens of the best online sites on the internet, I'm sure you'll find what your looking for here, I certainly did.

Top Dating Sites

Online Dating in A New Decade

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How Men Can Have Better Sex without Drugs

Like me, you are probably bombarded with advertising for sex enhancing drugs, or “dick pills”. I suppose Viagra and cialis and “dick pills” have their place if you really have a problem, but in most cases, there is not really a physical issue at all. Sometimes it is just bad health habits that lead up to a form of impotency. Your doctor will usually prescribe something if you ask because that is what the pharmaceutical companies condition them to do. The article below gives you a simple, no cost way to improve your sex life without drugs.

No gym, no expense, and you can even do it during meetings at work!

Super Sex with Kegel

 

Summer Sex

Even if you are not an outdoorsy kind of person, if you are dating over the course of a summer, you are likely to find yourself and your date communing with good old mother nature at some point. Even if roughing it means a cottage with a deck and boathouse rather than a tent on a backpacking trail, you will likely find many romantic moments as you enjoy the invigorating lift that being out in the country gives you. All that fresh air and all those sunsets are natural sexual invigorators – getting her in the intimate frame of mind, and reminding him about the natural side of being alive. On top of that, with the moon shining at night and millions of stars in the sky, you will likely find yourself braving the elements to go skinny-dipping. Invariably, at some point, the entire concept of outdoors sex will just happen. Sex can be a great thing of course, but there are some cautions that you should take before setting out on such sexual adventures.

Problem: Sex in a Dirty Environment

Outdoor activities expose you to more grime, and with that, more bacteria. Normal outdoor activities like starting a fire, cooking over a campfire, cutting wood, and just the smoke and bug sprays leaves you a much less desirable person to be around from an intimacy point of view. No matter how amorous you might feel, the Hollywood movie version of an idyllic and loving camping trip or nature walk are unlikely to happen unless you take care of basic sanitation necessities. So there are a few recommendations. Wash up thoroughly before bedtime. When roughing it in the bush, take a container of 'wet wipes' with you to help keep yourself sanitary in your nether regions.

Solution: Bath or Sponge Bath Frequently

This is almost a catch 22 issue. In many national parks, or even state level parks, there are usually shower facilities. Of course this does not help you if you are on an overnight trip on a backpacking trail and miles away from a shower. Go during off-peak hours when you’ll have some privacy – waiting until all the kids in the park are in bed is the perfect time to go. If you are around showers, then you can make use of them. Perhaps using them after midnight or very early in the morning would bypass shower queues. Of course if you on a backpack trail, you will need to either bath in a stream, or else mutually sponge bath each other.

Problem:  Privacy

It doesn’t take an acoustics engineer to realize that the millimeter of nylon that comprises your tent wall won’t do much to keep your sex noises private. And since sound travels so well over water, even people on the other side of the lake will be able to hear what you sound like when you’re trying the Inverted Reverse Pile-driver. Even worse, if you’ve gone camping with friends and their kids, there are going to be a lot of questions in the morning about the strange noises they’ve heard.

 Solution: Really Long-g-g Nature Hikes

This is likely the least embarrassing and most satisfying solution. It is really a sort of an intimate commune with nature. But first, you need to think about safety. First, watch out for wildlife – especially lions and tigers and bears – OH MY! – just kidding, but there are some animals that you have to consider depending on your region. Many areas have bears, but in the mountain regions, there are some cats that may cause concern. Most other meat eaters tend to shy away from people, but if you are in the deep south, you can run into reptiles that are not so pleasant. Nothing dampens the libido more than running for your life. Second, don’t go at night – finding your way back in the dark when you’re brain has been scrambled by some hot sex is too difficult. Third, bring a blanket. That way, if you accidentally lay down for the hot times on a fire-ant hill, they’ll have a difficult time getting revenge on you while you’re in the middle of you’re sex. Tell other people in your campsite where you will be.  That way, if you deplete all your bodily fluids during the coitus and can’t make it back, they can send the rangers out to look for you. Just pull up your shorts before they rescue you, for appearances sake.

Good Camping!

Dating Sites

Porn Star Lovemaking Tips

Women all over the world would like to be able to give their man sexual action so fulfilling, that they will become inseparable. The majority of women are ill equipped to know what it takes to turn a guy on sexually to such a level that they would never look at another woman, no matter how beautiful or sexy her body may be. What is it that a man is looking for that they find when they watch porn movies? The women are not overly attractive, the acting is horrible, there are no real story lines. So the attraction is certainly not intellectual. The attraction is purely physical, but there is more to it than just simple sex. If a man was just wanting an orgasm, he can do it to himself in minutes.

The attraction is in having a woman do whatever it takes to please him sexually. And that pretty much means anything that he might ever want to do. A woman who will ask him what he wants and do her level best to give that to him, and who is forthright in telling him what she wants that would pleasure her as well. Shy does not work here!! If you want to pleasure your man, then you have to be willing to take the initiative, surprise him by being aggressive about wanting sex at least half of the time. Nothing turns a man off more than being forced to beg for sex. You may not see it that way, but if you always expect the man to make the first move, after a while he will feel that they only way he can get laid is to beg for it.

Read more about it here:
Make Love Like A Porn Star



If you are are interested in behaving like a porn star, then find a list of great places to find men here:
Adult Dating Sites

Dating Online Insights

Dating Online Survey Results:

The following is a summary of a study of about 100 or so urban dwellers in how they look for people to date. Online dating may not result in you winning your life partner, but it may be an interesting diversion from all those hard to believe eHarmony.com and Match.com Television ads that try to convince you about how lonely you are during late night movies. 

Resulting Dating Insights
1)     People who date online attempt to put the odds in their favor when trying to find their soul mate. As such, it is not uncommon for someone to join 5 or more different dating sites at the same time. On the same note, they are also more likely to date several people concurrently, trying to keep all of them on the string until they can make a final choice. Kind of like the online world's version of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”. In any event, you would want to play the field until you find someone that you really bond with. After all, in real life, you are probably meeting a friend of a friend, or at least have had some opportunity to watch them interact with other people at your favorite watering hole. That tends to prescreen the people that you would actually go out with before you make any sort of commitment to one-on-one dating.  In actual fact, in most conventional dating scenes, you are actually doing some multi-tasking on the pre-screening front before you ever interact in the first place. In conventional dating situations, other than blind dates, you have some concept of how a person interacts with others because you usually have a chance to observe them in action from afar. It is one of the reasons why blind dates get such a bad rap, because you do not know what to expect, nor can you prepare yourself. Online dating does allow some interaction, but meeting in person for the first time has more of the hallmarks of a blind date than it does in conventional dating.

2)     Online Dating is much more superficial – pictures and videos are everything – without them you get almost no action, or attention.  And you ladies need not worry, as long as you have a reasonably flattering shot of yourself having fun someplace, you will likely get responses from lots of men.  This is a marketing exercise, not a life story exercise. If you are selling beauty products on television you do not explain each step of the research that lead to the product. Although you might mention the research, you tend to focus on the results, and the benefits. Market yourself in a positive and flattering manner. Whatever you do, do not post a picture of yourself that is taken with your web-cam – the video quality sucks, and you can never show yourself in a socially fun situation with a web cam If you are a woman, just remember that men see and assume – most do not read much, they look and evaluate visually for the most part, so keep the words to a minimum. For men, you must read the words!! Women are strong communicators and they will say what they are looking for, and they will also say what they are definitely not looking for. Be honest about who or what you are, and do not annoy a women with attention of any sort if you are definitely on her “must not be” list.  In any event, for both men and women, keep the profile words short, sweet and to the point. If you are lucky, you will find a person with a really funny and offbeat sense of humor that meshes with your own sense of silliness. Fully employ the anonymous email and chat facilities of the site before attempting to meet in real life. Do not be too verbose in you profile.  Your online profile is a 30 second teaser commercial, not an in depth user manual.

3)     Men without jobs have little or no traction on dating sites that are focused on long-term relationships. In their heads, women are looking for winners, not losers. On the other hand, if you connect to a woman's soul, they will often overlook the fact that you are stock shelves in a grocery store, as long as you come across as trying to better yourself.  Keep your personal financial status out of the conversation if at all possible. If the person keeps insisting on focussing on that particular statistic, they just might be a gold digger

4)     Full figured women are actually not at the disadvantage that they often think they are. As long as you do not have flab's of cellulite hanging several inches under your arms, you likely have a solid chance of getting the favorable attention of most men. If you are not wider than you are tall, then likely you have a pretty good chance of finding someone. In any event, most women will post a profile of themselves at a younger and lighter age, and then proceed to lighten the age load a few years on top of that in their profile.  Men will often lie about their income, but are usually quite truthful about their ages. You will find however, that men almost never tell the full truth about their body weight. Almost all men show themselves as athletic, or average, almost never as overweight in any manner.

5)     You must have contact with a person for love to develop. You cannot really be in love with someone that you have only talked to on a computer. You must meet in person for love to happen.  You either have chemistry with someone, or you do not, there is no kinda click, there is no partial chemistry. You totally fall head over heels in love with someone, or else you settle for something that is less than total love. It is the many little interactions between two people that add up to someone falling in love. The average time between meeting on a dating site and meeting in person is about two to four weeks. If you take longer than that to get up the courage, you will likely miss the boat anyway. So if you are too cautious in online dating, you will most certainly fail.

6)     There is a bit of stigma associated with dating sites. The real problem with online personals sites is that they have had a reputation in the past for being the hangouts of losers and predators. Nothing is further from the truth. Unfortunately, many people refuse to even try online dating because of these factors.  The fact is that over 60 million people in North America have used online dating sites in the last few years, and there are just not that many losers and predators in North America. You are likely at more risk of being stalked on facebook as you are on a modern dating site. Most people who meet and fall in love online do not broadcast how they met to the world at large, so all you hear about is the people who were not successful on dating sites. This leaves a bad negative impression of the online dating industry in the public eye. People will admit that they met in line getting an unemployment check, but they will not admit to meeting online for some reason.

7)    Online dating sites are an extremely powerful social tool that brings people together who would never normally have ever met each other. Since everyone is there for the same reason, and since it is possible to simultaneously be interacting with several people at once, you really do have a much better chance of finding someone that you are truly compatible with for the long term. Online dating is actually the best forum for people to meet when they are just too busy, too tied up, or just not inclined to be wandering around bar hopping or social clubs trying to meet people. Online dating is the wave of the present and future if you want to find successful and interesting people. Do not expect every match presented to be made in heaven. There will still be some off spec people in the barrel, so keep on trying.


If you are interested in online dating sites, then you might want to check out this resource page:

Online Dating

Summer Sex

Almost everyone who has dated in during the summer months has found themselves in the great outdoors, at some point, communing with nature. Whether that means camping or staying at a cottage, there will be many romantic moments as you enjoy yourself out in 'the wilds'. All the fresh air and sunsets are likely to boost your libido significantly, and get yourself and your partner in a sensual state of mind. On top of that, with the moon shining at night and millions of stars in the sky, you will likely find yourself braving the elements to go skinny-dipping. Invariably, at some point, the entire concept of outdoors sex will just happen. Sex can be a great thing of course, but there are some cautions that you should take before setting out on such sexual adventures.

Problem: Dirty Sex (And Not “Good” Dirty, Either)

Outdoor activities expose you to more grime, and with that, more bacteria. When you start a fire, you’re going to get covered in ash and grime (at least if you do it like I do). Barbecues will inherently get some sauces and juices on you. And then there are the layers of bug spray and sun block you have on your skin. All together, you’re pretty damn gross by the time you head back to your tent for some “private” times. No woman wants to give oral sex to a gross, dirty penis. And no guy enjoys fondling a boob covered in slimy grime. The thrill will fade quickly.

Solution: Bath or Sponge Bath Frequently

There are ways around this pitfall, of course. In many national parks, or even state level parks, there are usually shower facilities. Of course this does not help you if you are on an overnight trip on a backpacking trail and miles away from a shower. Go during off-peak hours when you’ll have some privacy – waiting until all the kids in the park are in bed is the perfect time to go. If you sneak in together, you can have a shower, and then shower sex together (likely though, unless you are in a same sex relationship, one of you will be busting into a facility meant for the opposite sex – maybe three in the morning would be better).

Problem:  Threes a Crowd

It doesn’t take an acoustics engineer to realize that the millimeter of nylon that comprises your tent wall won’t do much to keep your sex noises private. And since sound travels so well over water, even people on the other side of the lake will be able to hear what you sound like when you’re trying the Inverted Reverse Pile-driver. Even worse, if you’ve gone camping with friends and their kids, there are going to be a lot of questions in the morning about the strange noises they’ve heard.

 Solution: Long Nature Treks

This is a great strategy, but make sure you are safe while you do it. First, watch out for wildlife – especially lions and tigers and bears – OH MY! – just kidding, but there are some animals that you have to consider depending on your region. Many areas have bears, but in the mountain regions, there are some cats that may cause concern. Most other meat eaters tend to shy away from people, but if you are in the deep south, you can run into reptiles that are not so pleasant. Nothing dampens the libido more than running for your life. Second, do not go on a long sex trek at night. Better to do it during the day, when wildlife is less prevalent, and you can see clearly as you run for you life if some scary animal shows up. Third Bring something to lay on so you do not get sand in your Schlitz. You should also let your camping buddies know where you are going in case you do not come back.  Now they can send the rangers for you in case you get all caught up in your escapades and do not get back in time.

Good Camping!
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