Get Your Fingers Out Of My Plate

I've had more bad luck with blind dates that friends have set me up with than anyone I know. To give you a couple of examples my first blind date was with a girl who seemed very sweet and seem to have all her faculties about her until she started talking which she did non stop. She started by telling me about her kidney stones and how she had always been plagued with them for whatever reason. I was dumb struck during this diatribe on her part, which she took to be undivided interest on my part. I guess I shook my head in disbelief at what she was talking about. She then said, “You don't believe me? Well look at this!”. She then started rummaging through her purse and pulled out a small medicine bottle. She unceremoniously opened it and spilled the contents onto the table. I was stunned by what I saw Three small pebbles which I took to be her kidney stones. It seemed that not only did she dwell on them but she had a great need to carry them with her wherever she went! I have heard of people keeping baby teeth, but kidney stones are just too weird for me.

After dinner, she went to the ladies room while I waited at the table. After about 20 minutes I began to figure that she had skipped out on me. I asked the waitress if she would check. The next thing I know the waitress comes out yelling for someone to call an ambulance saying a young women had passed out in the washroom. I went in to see if there was something I could do and saw her laying on the floor in her own vomit. It seems this girl was anorexic and is now in a mental hospital for her eating disorder. Seems like I do not have any radar or intuition when it comes to eating disorders. She had seems a bit slender, but I had just thought she had a high metabolism. I guess it just goes to show you that there are some very sick people walking around and you would not know it if you are not specifically looking for it.

I did let my friends suck me into a few more blind dates, but fortunately, none of them gave me the same severe negative reaction as the first one. There was the goth looking more like Dracula's bride than a date, miss sunshine who was so bubbly she made you want to vomit, tattoo lady with snakes and lizards adorning all of her visible skin, and iron maiden who wore tons of metal stuff stuck through various parts of her anatomy (yuk). All of these I just put down to personal incompatibilities because I have since seen all of them apparently dating other dudes.

But the blind date to end all blind dates (literally in my case) was my last one. A now ex-friend of mine gave her my email address and told me that she was really hot. So we chatted through email, and she seemed intelligent and fun. When we finally talked on the phone, she had an incredibly sultry voice. Apparently she had the hots for  meet me too. We decided to meet at a Red Lobster. I got there early to make sure I made a good impression. I was so sure that the would be 'The One'. I saw an old Toyota Tercel pull into the parking lot with the front driver side riding low. I remember thinking that the front spring in the car must be broken. It parked and the door opened, and out stepped (well stepped is a bad word for the series of motions it took her to extract herself from the vehicle) my date. OUCH!

My date, the person that I thought I had already lost my heart to, was enormous! And I do not mean tall. She had totally lied to me about the way she looked She had indicated that she thought her well rounded breasts were her best asset, but I did not think they would look like two watermelons resting on a beer barrel.. I don't think I've ever seen a slender hippo, and that is about the best example from the animal world that she most resembled. 

My face must have looked shocked, but before she could see me, I managed to compose myself and put my best foot forward (all the time hoping that she would not step on it). The waiter brought her to my table and we ordered our drinks and food. When our food came, she had difficulty reaching it because her stomach was in the way. To get past that, she literally put the edge of the table onto her belly of all things, and I almost ended up with my drink in my lap in the process. She ate like she had not seen food in a week, and I watched in amazement as she polished off her food. I was so caught up in the freak show that this was turning into that I had forgotten to eat at all. She said she was still a bit hungry and asked me if I minded if she took a few small items off my plate. When I agreed, she literally grabbed my plate and dumped the contents into hers. She devoured my food just as fast as she had eaten hers Desert turned into a bit of a side show as I watched in amazement as she ordered and devoured no less than three separate deserts. I paid the bill, which put a serious dent in my wallet, and wound the evening down as quickly as it was polite to do. I stopped by a McDonald’s on the way home for a burger and onion rings because I was still hungry and it was all I could afford. I just ordered. After this evening's spectacle, I could not face super-sizing it like I usually do. She phoned me the next night and after gushing over the great time she had, she wanted to know when we would get together again. Deciding that a lie was the best course after all the BS that she had put me through, I told her that my company had informed me that I was being transferred at the end of the week to work on an out of country project of indeterminate length.

I have wised up since then. No more blind dates set up by friends for me.
From now on I'm sticking to online dating sites that I know I can trust. Needless to say, I am much better at detecting phonies than I used to be, so I seldom have any negative surprises. The only negative things that I have to face now are not getting a good vibe from a woman that I would otherwise be proud to be with forever.

Here is where I found the  top personals sites to join:
http://top100datingpersonals.com